


and i know that it's only a wish

by quartknee44



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, Jemily - Freeform, This is not up for debate, angsty!jemily, god i hate will, rating is just for mild language, songfic jemily teehee, these bitches still gay, you have to listen to water fountain by alec benjamin while reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29476053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quartknee44/pseuds/quartknee44
Summary: a complicated situation comes to a head, and emily is too afraid to tell jj how she really feels.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 9
Kudos: 41





	and i know that it's only a wish

**Author's Note:**

> this one goes out to my beta reader jake, who literally doesn't know who any of these people are but still cries <3
> 
> also im serious please listen to water fountain while reading this

“I love you, Em.”

The words ring in her ears long after the person that had said them had turned and walked away. The shape of her lips as each uttered syllable, each careful enunciation had fallen from them, it was all encased in perfect memory in her mind. She was too stunned to say anything back, to voice her true emotions as bravely as the other had. She had only stared, trying to say everything she wanted to with her eyes alone. If the eyes were really the window to the soul, then perhaps it would be enough.

But she had spent her entire life trying to cover that window, to break it down and build walls in its place so no one could truly catch a glimpse of the real her. So when it didn’t work, she reflected, she could hardly be surprised.

“Say something!”

JJ had begged, her eyes wide, vulnerable, and full of fear. Fear of rejection, of hurt, of everything that came hand in hand with the dangerous act of putting yourself out there. All the things that Emily wanted to make sure JJ _never_ had to feel in her life.

But nonetheless, here she was. The cause of her pain.

“Emily, please,” JJ had pleaded, reaching out and grabbing onto her, wrapping those strong but delicate hands around Emily’s arms, bringing herself within inches of her face. Their proximity had taken Em’s breath away, she remembers, leaving her further pained, winded, and still, unable to speak.

“I—”

The words had failed her, sticking in her throat. Should three words be so difficult to say?

But she couldn’t get it out, as much as she had wanted to, as much as she tried. She just _couldn’t_ , not then, not with him right there, in the next room over. They had come here together, to this little team nighttime get-together in their offices at the BAU. Hand in hand, they stepped out of the elevator, JJ looking radiant as always in the shitty fluorescent lighting. Emily had been looking up every time she heard the damn thing open, waiting for her to walk in.

How disappointed she had been when she wasn’t alone.

But they had been stealing secret glances all night, whenever one thought the other wasn’t looking; it was something they practiced quite often. And when their eyes did meet, however infrequently, she would hold it for as long as possible, longer than appropriate, she knew.

Yet she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

Finally, after what felt like hours of mindless small talk with the rest of her team, JJ had left to go to the bathroom, dragging a willing Emily by the hand along with her.

“Strength in numbers,” she had called back to the team with a laugh as they left the room.

When they turned the corner, she hadn’t pulled her hand away.

They went down the hallway, towards her old office, where the lights were only half lit, throwing strange shadows in every direction, until they finally stopped.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she’d whispered, staying close. Closer than friends did.

“I love you, Em.”

The words had escaped her in a rush, a desperate flood of words that still fell gracefully from her lips in a way that only JJ could manage.

But when it came time to say those same words, the ones she had imagined herself saying for years, she froze.

She couldn’t do it, couldn’t tell her how she went weak in the knees every time they made eye contact; how her heart leapt into her throat when she found herself at the receiving end of her gorgeous smile; how she wanted to pull her in, hold her tightly in her arms, and never let go; how she’s longed to smash their lips together for as long as she could remember.

She couldn’t tell her just how much she loved her too.

And so, JJ had turned, closing her eyes to stop the tears while walking away dejectedly.

Back to him.

Away from her.

Now she stands alone in the corner of the room, bitter regret overriding any other feeling. She smiles and nods, even laughing when appropriate, just enough to convince the others that she is perfectly fine. A skill that she has far too much practice in. If anyone had noticed the change in atmosphere, they hadn’t said anything.

But instead of talking, she simply watches.

Watches them together, smiling and laughing at one of Morgan’s jokes, or Rossi’s lengthy interludes. Watches him slip his arm around her waist, pull her close, and plant a kiss easily on the top of her head. Watches them be the perfect couple together when minutes before, JJ had told her that she loved _her_ , and not him.

She imagines what it would be like to be in Will’s place right then. To have the most beautiful woman in the room on your arm, smiling adoringly up at you as she did so often, like you were her entire world; to be able to hold her in your arms whenever you wanted to, whenever you needed to. To be able to just walk up to her, take her face in your hands, and kiss her, slow and gentle, just to show her how much you loved her.

She imagines the smiles on her team’s face as they saw her get the girl she’d been in love with for forever. She smiles too, in spite of herself, as she envisions of a scenario that now could never, and would never, occur.

An opportunity that she might’ve had. A life she might have gotten.

If only she could have found the words.

She turns then and heads for the door, taking a detour back into the deserted hallway, still dimly lit but now full of meaning, of memories that already felt like a part of another life. Because in this life, there was no way that Jennifer Jareau could have admitted to what she did in that very hallway, in desperate tones and a hushed voice. There was no way that she could possibly be feeling the same way that Em was.

She had reached out to Emily, physically and metaphorically, and all she had done was push her away.

Because even when the most perfect person in the world somehow fell for her too, she found a way to screw it up for herself.

Just like always.

Alone in the hallway, however, she doesn’t see the concerned looks that JJ shoots around the room, as she scans every corner for a head of gorgeous brown hair. She doesn’t see that the subject of her thoughts is no longer paying attention to the meaningless conversations of the group. She doesn’t see the disappointment that crosses her face as she realizes that Emily’s no longer there, a disappointment that lingers for just a second longer than she should allow. She doesn’t see JJ smile tiredly at Will when he asks her what’s wrong before she excuses herself to follow her out of the room.

She doesn’t see the tears that trace their way down JJ’s cheeks as she walks through the hallway, calling out desperately for the woman she loves, the woman who sits in the driver’s seat of her car, going home alone.


End file.
